The Question Every Leader Must Ask

The question every leader must ask:

“How can I have the greatest, positive influence on others?”

This is the question every effective leader must continually be asking.  If your definition of leadership is “influence”, then we are all leaders.  We influence our family members, co-workers, subordinates, superiors and colleagues.

In direct response to this question, I have spent a lot of my time trying to improve my effectiveness as a leader.  I read books on leadership.  I attend seminars and classes.  I listen to podcasts.  I pray.  I pursue mentors.  I ask questions.  I want my life to make a difference.  While acquiring knowledge and skills, I am left evaluating and wondering if the reading, the learning and the prayer are making a difference.  Is the sum of these disciplines enabling me to be a more effective leader?  Several years ago I attended another seminar on becoming an effective leader and I had a binder full of notes that I needed to apply and I put that notebook on a shelf FULL of other binders from other seminars and I began to think about my life and I asked myself, “Where does lasting influence come from?”   What seminar or book had influenced me the most?

As I was looking at the books on the shelf and asking myself this question, I thought of my best friend from High School, Andy, who made a commitment to Christ at the same time as me.  We started going to church together.  We prayed together before school. We competed in sports on the same teams.   We ended up going to the same Bible College in Los Angeles and were freshman roommates in the dormitory.  We attended church together and ministered together.  We married girls who were roommates attending the same school.  Andy had a major influence on my life during those years.

I thought of Jerry Cook – a brilliant leader, pastor, speaker, thinker, consultant and author.  I learned a lot from Jerry’s teachings, but it was when Jerry taught me to fly fish that his influence really changed my life.  It was in the context of building a fly rod, paddling pontoon boats around cold lakes, cooking around a camp fire and driving to fishing holes that his wisdom had its full impact on my life.

I thought of Dave – a missionary who I met while he was on furlough who enjoyed running marathons.  When he moved back to the U.S. from Nigeria he was looking for people to run with and I was living nearby looking for running partners.  A 40 year old missionary and an 19 year old college student don’t have much in common, but during the next two decades we ran countless miles, many marathons, prayed countless prayers and shared life’s biggest complaints and trials on the trails and roads all across this country.  Dave was a mentor of mine – an influence and a friend.

As we ran for miles around the hills of Los Angeles, I remember Dave telling me that God works through relationships.  As a young Christian it was a new paradigm at the time.  Since then, I have never stopped noticing how God is using people – establishing friendships and strategically crossing paths – in order to accomplish His greater purposes for my life and the lives of others.  These divine intersections are strategic opportunities to grow as a leader while also improving the quality of ones life.  

I spent three years as a youth pastor in the depressed community of my childhood: Coos Bay, Oregon.  I felt I had little or nothing in common with the kids I was trying to reach.  It was difficult to have conversations with them – after all, I was “old and out of touch”.  Trust was not quickly earned.  I was doing my best but making little progress.  One day I proposed that we all start learning to surf together.  Six kids took me up on my proposition.  We started surfing the frigid waters of the Oregon Coast once each week.  We had FUN together (whenever we weren’t drowning).  There was not much preaching or praying (at least not out loud) going on, but all of those young people ended up pursuing full time ministry.  I don’t believe it was my preaching or Sunday school lessons that had the greatest impact on their lives.  It was the friendships that we developed.

I began to see a pattern.

The one thing that God was using to create the cutting edge of my influence and the quality of my life was “friendship”.

Since then I have accepted the fact that the most influential people in our lives are our friends.  This fact must be linked into one's pursuit of effective leadership.  

People vs. Power

A new generation of leaders is emerging who value relationships over results.  They are more interested in people than power.  They are more value driven than purpose driven.  They care more about their friends than profit.  They are interested in experiencing work environments that are professional, productive and personal.  If they find a place like this, they will give themselves fully to that organization’s mission.  They will be willing to make financial sacrifices in order to do so.  After all, you can’t buy happiness.  This isn’t just naïve idealism.    

Have you been looking for an organization like this?  Or, have you given up?  Surely there are risks that come with a work environment like this, but it would be worth taking risks if a culture like this could be created.  I believe that this is possible.

What do you do if you cannot find a place like this?  What if you’re entrenched in a dysfunctional hierarchy that seems unchangeable?  As leaders we have a responsibility to create our organizational cultures.  Friendship is a value that we don’t have to give up on.  Instead of lamenting what is not, it is time to make things what we believe they ought to be – wherever we are given the gift of influence.  We must model something different.  Perhaps you, like me, have grieved over the things you have seen done in the name of “business”; things which have violated your values of love and basic sensitivity to human dignity.  But now your time to lead is here.  What are you going to do?  Are you ready to step up?  

Bad Advise for Leaders

My professor gave me some really bad advice on effective leadership: “You’ve got to keep your distance from the people you lead”, I was told.  “A leader must maintain mystique and avoid dual relationships”.  I wasn’t interested in being a psychologist.  I was just interested in being a youth pastor.  I felt uncomfortable with this “expert advice”. 

 We all want to be more effective as leaders.  Those who are serious about becoming more effective leaders are eager to learn.  In an attempt to answer this need, “Leadership theory” has given us a mountain of resources comprised of organizational charts, strategic formulas, and techniques designed to help us become more powerful as we work our way to the top.  Once at the top, many leaders feel disillusionment.  It can be very lonely up there. 

We also all would love to have deeper friendships with others. Success and friendship are two of life’s greatest sources of joy.   Quality of life and happiness has more to do with the quality of our relationships than anything else.   There is a longing within all of us for strong friendships, but the speed of life, the frequency of major change, the fragmentation of families, and the drive for money all have a way of leaving us lonely to the point of having to pay professionals to truly listen to us (we call this counseling, life coaching or therapy).  We would do well to make intentional choices to counter-act the culture in order to improve our quality of life when it comes to friendship. 

Unfortunately many people view effective leadership and deeper friendship as competing concepts that are incompatible or at odds with each other.  I believe nothing could be further from the truth.  In fact, effective leadership and deep friendships go hand in hand.  

What do you think?